Today I Wrote Nothing by Daniel Kharms

Author:Daniel Kharms [KHARMS, DANIIL]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: FIC029000, LIT004240
ISBN: 9781468316100
Publisher: Abrams
Published: 2009-06-03T00:00:00+00:00

The Rundadar family lived in a house on the quiet river Svirechka. The father of the Rundadars, Platon Ilyich, loved knowledge of lofty matters: Mathematics, Tripartite Philosophy, the Geography of Eden, the books of Vintviveq, teachings on mortal tremors and the celestial hierarchy of Dionysius the Areopagite were Platon Ilyich’s most beloved sciences. The doors of the Rundadar house were open to all strangers who had visited the holy places of our planet. In the Rundadar home, stories about flying hills, brought by ragamuffins from the Nikitinsky settlement, were met with lively and acute attention. Platon Ilyich kept long lists with the details of the flights of large and small hills. Especially exceptional among all other flights was the flight of Kapustinsky Hill. As is well known, Kapustinksy Hill took off at night, at around 5, uprooting a cedar. From the point of its takeoff the hill rose not in a serpent-like trajectory like all the other hills, but in a straight line, making little vibrations only when it had reached the elevation of 15 to 16 kilometers. And the wind, blowing against the hill, flew through it, not driving it from its course, as if the hill of flint rock had lost its property of impermeability. Through the hill, for example, flew a seagull. It flew, as though through a cloud. This has been confirmed by a few eyewitnesses. It contradicted the laws of flying hills, but the fact remained a fact, and Platon Ilyich included it in the log of details on Kapustinsky Hill. Every day at the Rundadar’s there gathered esteemed guests, and visible signs of the laws of the alogical chain were discussed. Among the guests of honor were: Professor of Railroads Michael Ivanovich Dundukov, Father Superior Mirinos II, and Loogieologist Stefan Dernyatin. The guests gathered in the lower living room and sat at a long table, on which was placed a common washtub filled with water. The guests, conversing, spat into the washtub—such was the custom of the Rundadar family. Platon Ilyich himself sat with a whip. From time to time he wet it in the water and lashed it on an empty chair. This was called “making a racket with an instrument.” At nine o’clock the wife of Platon Ilyich, Anna Malyaevna, would appear and lead the guests to the table. The guests ate liquid and solid dishes, then crawled up on all fours to Anna Malyaevna, kissed her hand and sat down for tea. During tea, Mirinos II would narrate an incident that had occurred 14 years prior. It went that he, Father Superior, was one day sitting on the steps of his porch, feeding the ducks. All of a sudden a fly flew out of the house, circled around and around, and struck Father Superior in the forehead. It struck him in the forehead and passed straight through his head and came out the back and flew back into the house. Father Superior was left sitting on the steps with a smile of delight because he had finally seen a miracle with his own eyes.

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